Reflections and insights of my journey to date

Tuesday 21st January 2014.

I will be arriving at Castell cottage in approximately 44 hours time. Woohoo!!!

So tonight on the eve of the eve of the solitary retreat I will be pondering over some questions my mate Jay aka The Dharma-Farmer put forward in the comments section of my last post. Plus there will be some random ramblings about preparations for a solitary and trying to explain the concept of a solitary retreat to two non Buddhist elderly parents (which takes a lot of patience, lip biting, and metta - loving kindness) !! So the questions posed were....

"Interesting read, just be careful you don't burn out! It can be very easy to do in the first few years of getting the Buddhism bug, take it from me! ;-) Lovely to see you writing. I'd be interested i n reading (when you are ready) about what reflections you may have had whilst in Spain or the other retreats you go on. What is your motivation? What do you struggle with? What advice can you offer other people? What are the benefits of a solitary over a new-commers retreat say? How does what you learn about yourself manifest in your daily life?"

1. Burn out

I burnt out in my previous nursing career in Manchester. It got to the stage that I was so exhausted from juggling my work with severe financial difficulties (eventually leading to bankruptcy and my home being repossessed) while also finding time for my friends, cats and family (in that order) that I reached breaking point.

I was working as the clinical lead for mental health bed management which is a stressful job juggling admissions, discharges, and patients on leave to use the available psych beds across an NHS trust in an effective way. But it was a job that I loved and I was good at (from what was said in supervision getting feedback from my manager).  

However, things were rapidly going tits up at home. In my previous (pre transition) life I was a married straight man. When me and my ex split up in 2006 for a variety of reasons including me needing to transition, I took the marital home on in my sole name. Then due to health problems (fairly regular bouts of depression treated either by my GP or by my GP and a community psych team plus being diagnosed with epilepsy in 2010) my wages were effected due to going on to half pay sick pay a few times. 

Plus I was burning the candle at both ends compensating my 'singledom' with an overly active social life focused around Aston Villa FC home and away games and seeing mates at the pub. Although fun at the time that led to accumulated debts that I couldn't keep up with then a debt plan then missing mortgage payments then pay day loans and from there bankruptcy was the only option. As this was all bubbling to the surface in summer 2012 I began feeling suicidal but I used my mental health nursing skills on myself to get me to A and E to get support.

I was then under a community crisis team for a few months until my mood picked up enough for me to be discharged. By then on long term sick with the distinct possibility of me being dismissed on the grounds of capability, ill health, and without the fall back of community support my mood declined rapidly again leading to me taking a huge overdose in January 2013. I then spent a week in intensive care then a week on a general ward followed by four weeks on a psych ward at The Priory.

It has been a long and winding road to recovery and it is only the last few months that I have really felt anywhere near back to 100%. Looking back I was at burn out long before summer 2012 but I somehow kept going like a lighter running out of gas but still able to produce a flame.

So I'm aware of what burn out is for me. It's like spinning too many plates at once when it ends up being inevitable that you can't keep up and one by one the plates come crashing down around your feet. But at the moment the only two plates I have to spin are Triratna Buddhism and my health. The two are interlinked (as I said Buddhism has played a huge part in my recovery) and so for the time being it's easy for me to keep them both spinning simultaneously.

In the not too distant future I hope to return to work. (I'm unsure what work I want to pursue yet but that's for another blog post!). Then I hope to get my own place to get my independence back. I also need to get my gender transition back on track and lose weight ready for my sex change op. These plates will be introduced in time but I need to do it at my own pace so I can effectively keep them all spinning. 

Or to use another analogy a juggler introducing one then two then three more balls in to his act keeping them all rotating round in unison. Obviously once I'm working I will have significantly less time for retreats and I will have to sort my schedule out to keep a good balance of work, Buddhism, social life, and me time. The alternative is ending up back where I was in January of last year which is enough incentive to keep an eye on myself.

2. Reflections on retreat and the differences between the 'types of retreats'.

Postcard I printed out to reflect on while on silent retreat

There have been so many reflections on the ten retreats I've been on so far. (Not a bad tally seeing as my first retreat was only in April last year!) It's hard to pick out a favourite or most insightful reflection so I'll do a list of the most significant from each retreat.

1. Manchester Buddhist Centre newcomers retreat April 2013.

My first retreat with Triratna will always be special to me. I met so many great people (I'm still in touch with most of them either on facebook or at the Buddhist centre or both). The biggest insight I had over that weekend was that Triratna was the right spiritual match for me. I can't really explain it but it was just like a 'Eureka' moment that the light of the dharma was lit within me.

2. Taraloka introduction to mindfulness weekend retreat April 2013.

I saw this as a bit of a rights of passage for a transsexual dharma newbie as Taraloka is a retreat centre for women only. But ironically I wasn't very mindful on that weekend. On the booking form you had to put down any physical or mental health conditions that may affect you while on retreat. So I put "tablet controlled epilepsy and depression. No food allergies" and left it at that.

I didn't tell them I was  trans because naively I thought well it doesn't matter. Friends and family know but for example they don't know at the gym and I use the ladies changing rooms (hooray for their private cubicle). Ordinarily it just isn't on the menu to discuss as a topic. I thought I'm a woman going to a womens retreat centre. Simples. 

I had asked for a single room but there were none available. So when I got there I was in a four bedded dorm sharing with three other women and I've not had the surgery yet. I couldn't move rooms as the retreat was fully booked. AWKWARD! I came out to the team on the first night and nothing more was said so I thought yay job done. But when I came out on mass to the whole retreat on the last afternoon (bad timing!) it meant the retreatents and organizers didn't have time to reflect on my situation as it was time to leave.

Message from the universe - in communal living situations ALWAYS be open about being trans. After a lot of kindly dialogue between me and Taraloka community we finally agreed that I could go back on retreat as long as I had a single room with access to a private shower.

3. Taraloka silent retreat (7 days).

My second retreat at Taraloka, only my third retreat ever, and I decided to go for it and do a one week silent retreat. I printed out a postcard (like the Ram Dass quote above and this one below) for each day of the week to reflect on...

I arrived on the silent retreat on a Friday evening. After meeting and greeting plus a shared meal we briefly went round one by one in the lounge, said our names, and a little about ourselves. Then that was it. Silence until the following Thursday other than devotion (chanting mantras and pujas) plus a 10 minute slot to talk to one of the team each day if you needed to let off steam.

I was doing so well until I ran out of cigs on the Tuesday and got myself a 50 minute round trip cab to go to the newsagents! But the trip seemed to do me good. Other than having lovely gorgeous nicotine I had purged a lot of words out of my system and was able to get straight back in to the groove of silence when I got back.

Well... silence around humans anyway. I 'spoke' to these dudes a lot during my week mostly while doing a walking meditation outside the shrine room. Alarmingly on the penultimate day I asked them to pose for the camera and they did!...

My biggest insight of that week (probably influenced a lot by my mates in the photo above) was that eating sentient beings just didn't fit in with my ethics or outlook on life at all. I got back from that retreat on 26th July 2013 and have been vegetarian ever since eventually transitioning from vegetarian to vegan in November 2013.

4. Taraloka Amitabha working retreat September 2013

Taraloka work retreats are by invitation only and so when I was invited along (at the end of the silent retreat) I smiled reflecting on how without a healthy dialogue between me and Taraloka after my first retreat there, I may not have ever gone back let alone been invited on the work retreat.

Each work retreat has a theme and the theme for this one was Amitabha (the Buddhist figure who represents compassion and whose realm is in the west represented by the setting sun). The retreat is six days long and consists of an arrival evening, four working days broken up in to chunks of work, meditation, meal time, free time and devotion. Typically it's about 5 hours of work a day plus helping in the kitchen preparing veg or washing up as required.

This retreat was decorating. Which I absolutely loved. I didn't have any painting overalls and so the delightful orange jump suit in the photo is actually part of a Hannibal Lecter Halloween costume I wore in 2012. The work itself was doing the prep and then painting and varnishing two lobbies, the entrance hall plus a conservatory. That's me looking very Hannibal the Cannibal-esque in my jump suit and dust mask happily sanding door frames.

My biggest insight on that retreat was how moved I can be by devotion. On the final night we did a ritual to mark all of the work areas we had been in and chanting the Amitabha mantra in each space. I cried bucket loads in the little back lobby that I had spent most of the week working on. A mate went to comfort me and I said while sobbing even harder 'It's just a lobby. Get a grip Beth!'. But it was more the spiritual connection attached to the work that had moved me. Very powerful stuff!

5. Manchester Buddhist Centre womens sangha weekend September 2013

Lovely weekend with women from Manchester centre up at Lockerbrook centre just off snakes pass in the Peak District. The theme of the weekend was 'the three fetters' (hindrances that can hold you back) which are vagueness/doubt, superficiality, and habit. The weekend consisted of a lot of personal and group reflection plus meditations.

What I learnt most about myself that weekend was that I love public speaking! At school I'd shake like a leaf if I was ever asked to do a reading in assembly or in class and then there I was doing a talk on how the three fetters applied to me in front of forty women and I loved it! I was calm, casual, got great feedback off all. Brilliant. 

(The picture above was part of my talk/presentation addressing how I overcome the fetters and what's most important to me - of course centred around Aston Villa, Buddhism and cats). Note to self - I can achieve anything if I stop thinking about it too much. I also asked to become a mitra that weekend and got my mitra ceremony date sorted. YAY.

6. Manchester Buddhist Centre newcomers weekend (again) September 2013

I ended up on this by accident really. It was at Lockerbrook and the weekend immediately after the women's sangha weekend. I was due to go on it with my best mate but she dropped out and then I offered the place to my mum but she declined. So rather than waste my booking fee I went on it alone.

The topics covered were exactly the same as the first newcomers retreat and so the content was by then old hat to me but what I learnt about myself was how much I'd developed spiritually in such a short space of time.

On the first retreat in April I remember thinking 'Eh? Chanting? Bowing to a statue? What's that all about?' But once I had got over my Christian conditioning and figured out for myself that I was paying respect to The Buddha (a human that once lived) and not praying to a god in the sky I got well and truly stuck in to the devotional side of things. 

By the time I was on the silent retreat I figured 'When in Rome do as the Romans do' so I spent a week chanting the Shakyamuni mantra, reciting pujas, and lay prostrate on the floor paying homage to Buddha. So by the time this newcomers retreat came round I was straight in there with the mantras and pujas chanting away like a seasoned veteran. 

Types of retreat

While I think about it the differences between retreats that you'll come across. These terms are the ones generally used at most urban centres and retreat centres.

NEWCOMER is exactly what it says on the tin as are INTRODUCTORY weekends. They are basic overviews of the principles of Buddhism and a bit about meditation and some of the practices involved. You don't need to be Buddhist to attend and nobody tries to convert you when you're there.

OPEN RETREATS are again open to all but most places ask that you have at least some experience of mindfulness of breathing meditation and the metta bhavana (loving kindness) meditation before booking on them. Each open retreat has a different theme but whether it be meditation or study or a bit of both it is usually at an advanced beginner level so going on a newcomers retreat first would be useful.

REGULARS - are retreats for those that know the mindfulness of breathing and metta bhavana meditations plus are familiar with the 7 fold puja (a Buddhist devotional ceremony to pay homage to The Buddha or another figure in Buddhism). The silent retreat I went on was a retreat for regulars. I must admit I kind of blagged it and said I knew about pujas and mantras but in fact I picked it up as I went along on that retreat.

MITRAS - are retreats for those like me that have become a 'friend' (mitra) of Triratna Buddhism. I guess you could see the regulars retreats as intermediate level and the MITRA retreats maybe like GCSE level to use the education system analogy. They go in to a lot more depth about the symbolism and meaning in Buddhism and there is now a four year Mitra study course you can do which covers everything A to Z of Triratna Buddhism.

GFR (Going For Refuge) MITRA retreats. Sometime known as AO (Asked for ordination) retreats. To 'go for refuge' to the three jewels (The Buddha, his teachings the Dharma, and the spiritual community the Sangha) means that you want to place the three jewels at the centre of your life and practice with the goal of being ordained but the ultimate goal being the holy grail of enlightenment itself. But having just become a GFR mitra in November I think enlightenment might be a bit over the horizon for me yet! GFR retreats are probably like A levels going on to undergraduate degree level.

As you learn and spiritually develop while basing your life and practice around the three jewels you will get to know order members in your sangha. In time you may become close to one of them and you can ask that person to be your 'private preceptor' which means they oversee your development and put you forward once they feel you are ready for ordination. 

In addition to a private preceptor there is a board of public preceptors who will gather evidence from a variety of sources (your private preceptor plus retreat centres and local groups of order members) to decide if they feel you are ready to join the order. In a nut shell that's how it works but there's more to it than that which I may delve in to on another post.

7. Taraloka Being with the Buddha retreat  October 2013

This was an 'open' retreat for people of all levels of experience but as it turned out everyone on the retreat was pretty clued up and more 'regulars' than newcomers. The theme (obviously) was being with The Buddha through learning his teachings, hearing about his life, worshiping him in devotional practice, and imagining him through meditation and guided reflection.

I've had the Buddha statue (below) for about 8 years and I can't remember exactly when or where I got it but at the time I felt a strong connection to the image of peace and tranquility without really thinking that much about him being The Buddha. 

Over the years my connection with The Buddha has gone from strength to strength but this was a precious opportunity to just completely engross ourselves in being present with Shakyamuni Buddha (the historical Buddha that was human just like us). The story goes that Siddhartha Gautamer (as he was once called) sat under a Bodhi tree for endless days of mindfulness of breathing meditation and eventually sat under that tree he saw the true nature of reality and became enlightened.

My insight on this retreat came sat under a bush in the absence of a Bodhi tree with my favourite Buddha rupa at Taraloka situated under a hedge with daffodils in front of it and overlooking a lily pond. (see picture above). One of the Buddhas teachings was that all humans are lotus like. We all have the potential to come through the murky depths and blossom. I have a lotus tattoo on my upper torso/base of cleavage and so that message resonates a lot with me. It was beautiful just to sit there for half an hour contemplating life and imagining being sat there with Buddha.

8. Taraloka - Padmasambhava work retreat November 2013

Padmasambhava in Buddhist legend was a real man from history who brought Buddhism to Tibet. In the legend he is drafted in to help as try as they might, the people of Tibet build a Buddhist temple by day but at night 'evil genies' scurry about destroying the dharma temple they were trying to build. He tames the evil genies to get them to 'play the game' and build the temple.

Ironically for a Buddhist figure representing strength and magical like qualities, I was neither strong nor magical on this retreat. I had severe lower back pain throughout the week and so I was unable to do much of the outdoor landscape gardening work. However, my insight for the week beautifully offered to me by one of the other women was that on the previous work retreat I had given all of my energy and worked non stop. On this retreat I had less energy to give so I gave what I could which in the end ended up being in the utility room doing the washing up as working at hip height didn't hurt my back.

In Triratna (and other schools of Buddhism) generosity is called Dana. So on the first work retreat my dana was boundless energy whereas on this retreat it was doing what I could inside so that others could do the more manual work outside. Lesson learnt... not to put myself down and think I'm useless when in fact I'm doing loads to help even if it's not the original task in hand.

9. Amitavati (Valencia, Spain) - Olive Harvesting retreat December 2013

I saw this retreat advertised at Manchester Buddhist Centre to go out to a Triratna community in Spain for a week in mid December to effectively bash olive tree branches, gather up olives in to nets, and move on to the next tree. Plus living in a community for ten days sharing tasks and meditating either side of the work detail. Hoping that my back would be ok I booked it a week before and had the dubious pleasure of flying out with Ryan Air.

I loved it so much that I asked if I could go out there to live there for a couple of months. That wasn't practical for a few reasons and so instead I'm going back there in May for a meditation retreat. My main insight that week was just how truly madly deeply in love I am with the outdoors. The temperature dropped to freezing at night but in the day it was 20 to 22 degrees and I just rejoiced in being outside mooching about like an Ewok with my bamboo stick. At night the sky was amazing and we had a full moon on our last night there. Gorgeous.

I also loved the diversity of the retreat. There was me - a British and Australian male to female transsexual, a German woman, a Chinese woman, another Brit, a couple of local men and women from Valencia, an Irish guy that now lives at Amitavati, and the guy who lived there with his British wife was originally from Israel.

10. Taraloka - Amoghasiddhi work retreat January 2014

Amoghasiddhi is the 'Buddha of the north'. He represents unhindered success and fearlessness. I needed some of that on this retreat. Two days in to the retreat was the one year anniversary of my overdose. I told the other women on the retreat that it would be a difficult day for me and so it proved with me having to take time out, crawl in to the foetal position in bed with my teddy and just cry. I didn't meditate with the group much that week as it felt important to me to spend long periods doing private silent reflection and meditating alone in my room.

The photo above is of my 'No Fear' t-shirt which I took on retreat unaware of the theme and how appropriate it ended up being. I did another personal talk on this retreat focusing on fear - how I'd overcome it in the past and how my fear of a current dip in my mental health was enough motivation to pick me up again. To quote Chumbawamba "Tub Thumping", 'I get knocked down but I get up again. You're never gonna keep me down'.

I did have a mental health 'wobble' that week and the women that were there with me were great encouraging me to talk if I needed to and to do what felt right for me. My moment of beauty on that retreat was sobbing during the 7 fold puja in the shrine room when the following verse was recited

Flowers that today are sweet and freshly blooming. Flowers that tomorrow will be faded and fallen. Our bodies too like flowers will fade and fall.

In light of how close to death I came last year those lines were extremely strong for me. At the end of each retreat we 'report out' with a summary of what our experience of the week has been. Despite my 'wobble' I felt it had been a much more balanced retreat in that I had done some of the work outside (coppicing and clearing some woods plus wading knee high in a swamp pulling willow tree branches out - RARRRRR) plus washed up and taken time out to look after myself. 

What I took away from the retreat was that I need to spend more time giving metta loving kindness to myself because I'm now discharged by my community psych team and I need to make sure the wobble doesn't become plates crashing down all around me again. 

So that's it in terms of retreats to date. I'll briefly cover the last few things posed by the dharma-farmer below and maybe in my future posts I'll end up reflecting on them more and expaning on them another time...

Motivation

Spiritual progression for the benefit of all beings plus working towards embodying and personifying the 5 precepts. In terms of the precepts I'm now vegan, I try to think before I speak (most of the time), I'm happily single so no issues with sexual misconduct, and I'm mindful of ensuring I don't take the not given. I do however have to work on my smoking habit and my very occasional (but excessive when they happen) pub sessions. 

But as the leader of our Triratna movement Sangharashita says something like 'humans are all a sum total of habits. Usually bad habits'. So we are all a work in progress. My other main motivation is to stay well and get my independence back. 

Struggles

I still struggle with the metta bhavana meditation and I'm conscious that because I struggle with it (particularly the first stage giving metta to myself) I try to do something - ANYTHING - other than metta whether it be mindfulness meditation, walking meditation, puja, or the "mindLESSness" of smoking. I'm going to give it a go stopping cigs with the aid of patches soon but not on solitary. I'd go insane!

Advice 

Give things a go. If I hadn't booked on the newcomers retreat in April I wouldn't be typing this now. It was nerve wracking going on my first retreat on my own but I loved it and had a really positive experience. Maybe you'll go to a newcomers retreat or course and think nah it's not for me. That's fine too. But just give it a try for yourself. To quote Dr Pepper 'what's the worst that can happen?'

How practice manifests in my daily life

Lots of mindfulness and living in the moment so that I (and my parents) can cope with being two generations under one roof again after I first moved out in 1999! But broader than that just a deeper understanding of myself, others, and how we all fit in to this sexy beast of a universe.