Sellotaped Samsung and solitary for dummies

Not my actual phone but a google images picture of the kind of devastation caused by a pavement at Stoke train station.

R.I.P L.C.D screen

Impermanence. Insubstantiality. Me and Mr Flibble reaching higher dayana's (mental states) of anger over a silly lump of plastic. I dropped my mobile on my way home from Manchester last Wednesday, the screen landed face down, and it now has huge cracks from the menu button working up all over the screen from the base. Gavin from Auto Glass would be impressed!

I would take a photo but erm well my phone is my camera so I can't! To quote father Jack in 'Father Ted' - ARSE! But the level of anger and stroppiness over a broken phone screen last Wednesday were with hindsight ridiculous. I think even Mr Flibble (from the brilliant Red Dwarf episode Quarantine) would have given me a slap for being irrational. As I said in my last post, we are all a mess in progress.

So I will be off on my retreat tomorrow with a sellotaped Samsung screen. I'm not sure how I feel about taking my mobile. I need to in case of emergency and given my recent past with two suicide attempts in the last year (and having only been discharged by my community psych nurse about 6 weeks ago) my mum wants me to send her a text every morning just saying 'I'm ok' for her peace of mind with no right of reply for her. But I'm a technology junkie. You know that annoying person on a night out that's constantly texting or 'checking in' on Facebook? That's me!

It's going to be an interesting exercise in mindfulness to just text my mum and best mate daily to give them the heads up that I'm ok but not use my mobile for anything else other than as an alarm clock and meditation timer (using the fabulous and free 'meditation helper' app for android which you should download!) Usually I don't take my mobile on retreat as the team leading the retreat have a mobile that friends or relatives can contact in case of emergency. Plus one of the team times the meditations ringing a bell or singing bowl. But this is a solitary. Just me myself and I. So it's a necessary evil.

I've also downloaded an app that lets you type microsoft word documents and then copy and paste them. IF I can muster the self control and patience to type on a small cracked screen and ONLY go online to post my blog then I hope to get at least a couple of brief blog entries on while I'm away. If all else fails I'm armed with a ridiculous amount of pens and lined A4 paper to jot my ramblings down over the course of the week.

Solitary for dummies (and parents)

Speaking of me myself and I - it has been a very challenging week in terms of metta to my parents (especially my mum) with the endless barrage of questions about why I'm going away on a retreat on my own, what was the point in it, would there be no other people, what would I cook, would I be ok, what would I do all day, would I phone daily, will I quit smoking etc etc. In the end I reverted to basics and drew them this admittedly patronizing but ultimately effective diagram of what a solitary is.

I've also told them it's like Andy Dufraine in solitary confinement in The Shawshank Redemption except self catering, natural lighting, and Buddhist texts instead of a bible. Thankfully they finally seemed to grasp the concept once I was mentally exhausted from answering the endless stream of questions.

It does seem like a pretty insane thing to do though but time alone has always played a huge part in lots of religions and/or faiths including Buddhism. The general idea is that if you're going to ask to be ordained you need to truly know yourself inside out. Your highest natural states of ecstasy right through to your deepest darkest fears with every emotion and feeling in between. If you can't get to know and love every aspect of yourself then how can you expect to integrate to the point where in the end there is no 'self' and you are just flowing with every other entity in the universe leading one day to enlightenment.

As I said in my last post I need to do a lot more 'self metta' before I can start expanding my metta out to all beings so this solitary (now that I feel strong enough to mentally cope with the idea of it) is a starting point in making peace with myself so that one day I can let go of the concept of 'me' altogether. I can cope with the idea of the solitary but I will reserve judgment until I arrive there this time tomorrow and begin to experience rather than just conceptualize it.

Plus I'm just pre-empting what Tiratanaloka (the retreat centre in Wales that oversees all women who have asked for ordination) will tell me to do anyway as they encourage a mix of solitary and 'asked for ordination' retreats each year as part of the path to ordination.  So THAT is the point of going away on my own.

As for their other specific questions

Would there be no other people? 

NO it's a solitary retreat. I refer you once again to the picture I drew.

What would I cook? 

Admittedly I'm not the best at cooking. (After the gorgeous grub served up by the dharma-farmer on one of the Manchester retreats I went on I think I need to get him to give me some lessons). BUT I'm fully capable of conjuring up cereal with soya milk, toast with soya spread, jacket spud with soya spread and beans, a pretty decent vegan curry and a few other vegan dishes.

This isn't quite Christopher Johnson McCandless aka Alexander Super tramp walking 'In to the wild' to live off the land. 

R.I.P Christopher McCandless 1968 - 1992

I'm in a self catering cottage with fridge freezer and electric oven. I'm sure I can manage to survive for seven nights (and not poison myself through having to rely on eating the local flora and fauna) with the supplies I'm taking plus the long life supplies stored at the cottage.

Would I be ok? 

Define 'OK'. I'll go through a roller coaster of emotions during my time away but yes I will be safe and not top myself if that's what you mean.

what would I do all day? 

Or maybe more like "The same thing I do every retreat pinky. Try to take the world in to my heart". Basic schedule will be the same as any other retreat. I usually volunteer to be the bell ringer on retreat so I'm always up by 7 when in 'retreat mode' anyway. 
Get up, have brew, meditate, break, meditate again, breakfast, go for a walk, get back, study some dharma, have a bit of free time after having lunch, meditate around 4pm, have dinner, wash up, puja and mantra at 8, free time then bed.

Seriously mum I've been on ten retreats now. You always ask me what I get up to and the format is roughly the same every time. How are you not getting this? "Well I thought it would be different with you being on your own". YES. I will have to structure my own day without a notice telling me times and places to be. How on earth will I cope. Ctrl Alt Del sarcasm.

Would I phone daily? 

NO! I'm on solitary retreat! I negotiated I'd text to give her the heads up that I'm ok once a day but if it weren't for her worrying about my mental health being ok I'd rather not have any contact with anyone.Apparently the only person I'm likely to see is the farmer who checks the fields once a week but even that is going to be a mindful line between being civil and argh go away I'm on solitary.

Will I quit smoking?

Dealing with my deepest darkest fears and inner turmoil without nicotine? Are you crazy? I'm taking Alan Carrs easy way for women to quit smoking away with me so I'll give that a go. Plus I'm only taking 10 cigs per day with me (I usually smoke about 25!) so I'll have to be mindful or otherwise run out pretty quickly. I figure I've got enough going on at the moment without stopping cigs (for now).

Preparation and packing

I've just dug this old school (as in retro and as in my old school) 'tuck box' out of the loft to use as a food storage/carry box on solitary as I have to walk about 15 minutes up a hill with my rucksack and food to get to the cottage. I had to make minor adjustments on the name but hooray it turns out that Peter can be changed in to Beth simply by using the round but of 'R' to stick underneath 'P' and using the left over straight bits of Peter to make the H. Making the straight bits of Peter in to Beth is pretty much the story of my life over the last 8 years!

I was quite posh really going to boarding school with my little tuck box. Very Harry Potter! Sadly I didn't have an owl. Instead I had a Beryl corrector pen (plus a Parker pen with ink refills for special occasions), envelopes and stamps. Plus an unhealthy addiction to The Prodigy and motor racing it seems. (I was 13).

So having taken a trip down memory lane rooting through my parents loft for my tuck box and in an ultimately futile search for my walking boots I'm off to get packing. More to follow later.....

Retreat packing level : Expert! When you're on retreat as often as I have been over the last year it gets to the stage that I think I should really just take a photo of me packing at the end of the retreat to say 'going home for a couple of weeks' rather than the 'pre retreat' packing photo.

I'm not going to bore you with a full itinerary but broadly speaking we have -

Night clothes
Teddy
Bedding
Toiletries
Towel
Candles, incense, Buddha rupa
'Technology' - torches, bed side alarm clock, mobile and camera with chargers

Warm clothes
Waterproofs plus gloves and hats
Medication
Books, notepads, and pens

Once I'm dressed in the morning I just need to bung all that lot in my rucksack, get the fresh and frozen food out of the fridge freezer in to my 'tuck box' and Bobs your uncle I'm ready.

Heading off at about 10am tomorrow so I will no doubt put a 'pre retreat nerves' style post up before I go. See you later you lovely sexy sentient beings. Rarrrrrrrrrrr

Beth xx